Updated: Sep 21, 2022
I can't believe I haven't checked in here since BEFORE the pandemic and life got all turned upside down. I have gone through so many changes since. Went through a break up with toxicity and rejoined Earth as a new person. What do you remember about me? PTSD. Depression. Anxiety. Mentally unwell. Health and Wellness Coach. Teacher. Advocate. Mother. Daughter. Entrepreneur. Partner. Graphic Designer. Custom Creator. Victor. Survivor. Healer. Healing. Lover. Fighter. Friend.
I really don't know where to start. I took a break from coaching clients to FULLY focus on my personal healing journey. It was necessary. My main and sole obligation became ME. DASSIT! DASSALL! lol I was failing at everything God had placed in my hands because of gaping wounds filled with unhealed trauma. There was a time, before COVID, where I could not leave my home. I could barely leave my bedroom on some days. Fear had the best parts of me.
FEAR had the best parts of me. My reality was unrecognizable and uncomfortable. I did not deserve this. I did not ask for this. Someone's inability to accept my "NO" has changed my reality. I can no longer head out to my favorite trails and jog a few miles. What if he's there? I can no longer head out to the grocery store to pick up a few items. What if he's there? What IF he's there? The likelihood that the coward who assaulted me is in that place at that time, or ANYONE for that matter, with the intentions to hurt me are very low.
I know. I get it. I've sat in this moment for 15 minutes... half an hour... telling myself I'm safe only for fear to argue I'm wrong. I. KNOW. But the pounding tightness in my chest, the sweat, and this inability to breathe will NOT let me be great! So, for years I played this game with myself and for quite some time, fear won.
TODAY, I win most days. I have no choice but to be an entrepreneur as my new reality won't allow me to be employed outside of my home/by someone else. I've made my way these past 3 years using all that God has given me and leaning HEAVILY on Him. Heavily translates to ALL THE WAY AND COMPLETELY. lol I'm so thankful for my village. Many were left behind during this transition. Many held my family up while I tackled the hardest moments of my life. I owed it to my daughters to FIGHT.
Fight, I did. I am on the other side of it and I pray and move daily to stay on the healing side of things.
Some things I've learned: if I can push through the THING for about 30 minutes or so, I can push through the thing. Learned that in therapy. Next thing I've learned, therapy is HARD. Therapy "ain't for the weak" but it's necessary. Quitting therapy almost cost me my life. Continuing was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Another thing I've learned, it's okay to quit people... CLOSE people... people you thought you'd always have around. Sometimes those people are the reason you aren't healing or even in a place to ACKNOWLEDGE you have something to resolve. Unapologetically say NO and adjust your boundaries however and whenever to protect your peace. One more thing I learned, it DOES get better.
Recently while journaling I made a list of the top 10 people I have daily interaction to see what type of energy I was surrounding myself with. I can think of a time when I could say the majority of the people who had the majority of my time were draining on my soul but out of mere attachment to the relationship, I hung on. As soon as I released the idea that they were somehow deserving of more of my GREATNESS, a major weight was lifted and areas in my life that went untouched for some time started to turn around. MY people started to fill in and hold their rightful spots in my life and today, we fill each others cup.
Is everything all good now? NOPE! My reaction to the foolishness that is life no longer overwhelms me like it did. I let go of the wishing for who I was in the former life and embrace all of the beauty in who I am today. I live. I laugh. I love. I'm sharing my journey but in a new way. Most know me for my physical transformation and coaching physical fitness programs, etc. Today, my focus is mindset. I chased a physical makeover while my mental was in shambles and it all came crashing down. That's a story for another day though.
I love you all! I'm thankful for so much and each of you reading are on my list! Peace be with you until next time...