Today, in the fitness world, we sometimes refer to Fridays as #FlexFriday. Well, today, instead of physical muscles, I decided to take some time and evaluate how things were going in my journey and if there was anything I could do better. But, who am I REALLY kidding? OF COURSE, there are things I can do better.
I have been on the struggle bus from hell since the PTSD symptoms hit me HARD and took me out the game. It was absolutely and IS the hardest time of my life. I have been through some things in my 36 years. But, THIS is a different ball game.
There'd never been a time when no matter how hard I knew I needed to, I could NOT muster the energy to work out. I could NOT speak that same positive language to myself that pushed me to make good choices with my nutrition on the 80/20 scale. The meds are creating cravings like no other and although I didn't FEEL better per se, I knew they were doing something within my body because every time I stepped on the scale, the number was higher.
What was happening? Coach A... Drill Sargent... the motivator for all could not motivate herself and it was making the depression even worse. No matter how comfortable I looked to outsiders, I HATE how I was transforming. But that wasn't enough to change my new habits.
The thought of running on my once favorite trails or heading to the gym brought panic and anxiety. What if HE was there? The man who hurt me... What if he found me alone and it happened, again. What if not him but someone just like him? What if? What if? What if?
Therapy has been amazing. I'm growing stronger in my weaknesses. I am empowered. I am not a victim MOST of the time. I can crawl out of my mind most days and conquer tasks that were on the back burner for over a year. I have decided to be better for ME. Am I fully capable of all that I'd been dishing out to life before? I'm sure I am but my mind also only likes to play fair sometimes. So, I do what I can, when I can, and pray on the days I can't that it's not a turn backwards. I try to be there for my clients. I try to take on more but then I feel like I'm failing them when I can't show up like I want to.
However, everyone has been nothing but encouraging. Again, it's MY MIND. Challenging my thoughts to stay positive and winning is on the top of my to-do list. Speaking encouraging words over my life is priority. Making ME Better so that I can pour into the cup of others is NECESSARY and I will. I have to learn to show myself the same grace I allow others. So many of us do.
This mind flex started in one place and ended up somewhere else. Like most days, most hours, most minutes with me. But, apparently, I needed THIS off my chest to here it is. Happy Friday to you all! Coach Alysha loves you and appreciates you!